Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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