why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
