dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
