my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
