I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
