I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I am midnight drunk by noon
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
