i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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