my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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