New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
