1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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