Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
