You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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