I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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