I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
did i just pee glitter
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
