i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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