How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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