Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
