The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
