My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
