is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
