My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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