She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
