i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
