My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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