Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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