i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
