The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Randomize
