I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
