we have officially lost it.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We need a shit load of segways right now
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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