Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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