it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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