so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
