my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
