Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She told me I should be a condom model.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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