So drunk, too bad you don't want this
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
