If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
