i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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