I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
