True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
