the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
