should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
