that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
