he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
