shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
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he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
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You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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