areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
