The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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