At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
