id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
