I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My bed smells like the plague
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
