Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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