Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
