I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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