ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
