ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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