Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
